the longest pregnancy EVER

according to Wikipedia, the gestation period for an elephant is 22 months – the longest of any land animal – and according to most of the people that know me, that’s about how long i’ve been pregnant – apparently my pregnancies last longer than the average woman because people LOVE to tell me “you have been pregnant FOREVER!” or the equally encouraging, “you have the longest pregnancies of anyone i know” – um, i’m the one that can barely get in and out of bed (or anywhere else for that matter) without moaning and groaning like a 92 year old arthritic man with a bad back, bum leg and a walker – you think i don’t know i’ve been pregnant forever?   i will say that my one saving grace is that this time there hasn’t been a lot of those “have you had the baby yet?” comments – i was working at KKITM during my last pregnancy and since i was ENORMOUS, everyone expected me to go into labor early – every day that i would walk into work, someone would say “haven’t you had that baby yet?” – “uh, does it look like i’ve had the baby?” as i deliver a virtual punch to your face … so it’s been nice being at home and not having to answer that annoying question – and since i’m basically living out my life on FaceBook and Twitter these days – no one has had to ask there either, because of course i’ll be sure to change my status update the second i feel a real contraction

now that i’m just under 3 weeks until my due date, i finally feel like i’m starting to get some things done – i think that whole nesting thing might have actually kicked in – at least as much as it can for a big fat pregnant woman who can barely get around and HATES to clean – we finally had the carpet in all of our bedrooms replaced this week – and despite the fact that i spent the 2 days before the carpet people came wanting to remove my husband’s limbs from his body so that i could beat him with them, we both survived and i’m back to thinking of him as the Practically Perfect Man that i married instead of a Moron with the Common Sense of an 8 Year Old – the end result was that while initially i didn’t really love the color of the carpet, it’s starting to grow on me and i can now walk into my walk-in closet – i also managed to wash all of Sydney’s gender neutral newborn stuff (though i’m pretty sure it’s still in the dryer ) and i’ve made some semblance of progress into transforming her closet into a closet for two children rather than one!

i met with my doula last week and got my birth plan together – it’s much less detailed this time around, with only the absolutes listed – everything else will be on an “it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission” basis and if someone decides to challenge the pregnant woman in labor, well, they better be prepared for what comes with that!

i managed to get a couple of hours to myself this weekend (Sydney went to Mass with my mom and i went shopping like a good heathen) and i miraculously found my labor outfit without even looking!  what, you ask, is a labor outfit?  well if you’re a bit on the “ew” side like i am, you’re a little wigged out by the thought of giving birth in the same hospital gown that a thousand other women have given birth in – not because i’m worried about cooties or germs or anything like that – i just prefer to be wearing my own clothes that i’m comfortable in – with Sydney i initially wore the hospital gown to pacify the male nurse, but as i my labor progressed i changed into my own comfy sports bra and pajama pants and felt a lot better – looking back though, i didn’t really think it through – if i had i would have realized that since babies generally come out of your vagina, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to be wearing bottoms – DUH!  plus, once i finally gave up and ditched the pants, it was a major pain trying to keep myself covered while i ran back and forth to the bathroom or changed into different laboring positions – and not because i’m super shy (i mean, i’m assuming the hospital staff has seen a naked woman give birth before) but i had horrible hot and cold flashes and i spent a lot of time covering myself with a blanket and then throwing it off of me – so this time, i put a little more thought into it

apparently there are several “designer hospital gowns” out there these days, but when i looked at them they were still hospital gowns – albeit with better fabric choices but hospital gowns nonetheless – and EXPENSIVE!  some of them running in the $100 range – really?  $100 for a hospital gown?  you’ve got to be kidding me!  so i decided on a different option – a tank top and skirt – i figured with a tank top, i could keep my belly covered if i wanted but still have quick access to my midsection if they need to monitor the baby – also, my arms would be available of they need to insert an IV or check my blood pressure – and a skirt would give me the coverage i wanted below the waist, but still give the nurses access when they needed to check to see if i’ve made any progress – GENIUS!!  or at least i thought so – my initial plan was to make my own skirt but as my due date gets closer, i realized that i didn’t have the time or really the inclination – so Plan B was to head to Ross or TJ Maxx for some cheapy version that i wouldn’t mind throwing away after i give birth – and then i experienced the greatness of Target (insert angels singing here)

normally i’m a Walmart girl and my friends give me a hard time for that – but honestly, for me the Target is a lot harder to get to than the Walmart is – and Target almost never has what i need – and when they do, it’s usually more expensive – so for me, Target is a destination location that i only visit when i need something specific – like underpants and nursing bras – after spending 45 minutes at JC Penney only to find they had NO plain black briefs and that my once average 36B boobs have grown to a massive (at least to me) 40C, i headed to Target – after finding black underwear on sale and the perfect nursing bra with my much needed molded cups, i decided to venture to the maternity department to see if there was anything that i just couldn’t live without – i never made it that far because an XXL tank top was on the clearance rack and it was purple – $6.48? SOLD!  i just found my labor tank – i was contemplating getting a second one when i looked around to find an entire rack of short jersey knit A-line skirts – holy crap, the shopping gods were smiling on me!   it was EXACTLY what i had envisioned making if i’d had the time myself!  black, stretchy jersey knit material, light elastic waist, knee length – and it was on clearance too – PERFECT!  i never would have guessed that Target would be my one stop shop – but it was – and i’ve checked one more thing off my list – labor clothes – DONE!  now i can get back to the important things – like getting my hair colored and a mani/pedi before the big day – KIDDING!!  sort of … not.