another career failure

remember when you were a kid and when people asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, you had a laundry list of occupations?   i wanted to be an OB/GYN, pediatrician and a teacher – what?  you don’t think it’s possible?  i’m all about the kids   at any rate, i don’t think i ever really outgrew that phase because i’ve still always wanted to be a lot of different things when i grow up (btw, does anyone know at what age you’re officially “grown up”?) – anyway, periodically i’ll hear about some cool occupation and think to myself “i can do that” – and then after a little bit of reasearch i find out that i’m a. too lazy to do the work that it takes to get certified/degreed/etc. and/or b. wildly unqualified and completely incapable – ahhhhh, reality!

before i got pregnant, i decided to grow my hair out – it had been short for a couple of years and since i was planning on getting pregnant soon, i knew it would grow like crazy (thanks to the pregnancy hormones) – i really like to wear it straight and because it’s so thick and has so much body, i had this crazy illusion that i could also style it – uhhh, not so much – now, i am a self admitted product ho – i’ll try just about anything and even have my own little hair appliance graveyard under my bathroom sink – different sized flat irons, different sized curling irons (everything from 1/4″ to 1 1/2″), hot rollers, velcro rollers, a hair dryer (that i never use), a hair dryer holder (cause my arms get tired holding the hair dryer that i never use), various sized brushes and combs – and don’t get me started on hair products … you name it, i probably have it – or have at one time – so how is it that i fell into the “as seen on tv” trap?

the great thing about “as seen on tv” is that you no longer have to order things on tv because someone is always selling it in a store – and because they always make it look so easy on tv, i knew i could handle this – now, let me preface my fancy hair appliance announcement by saying that i have always wanted to have long hair with those big full curls – understand, i was born with naturally curly hair – but my natural hair state is VERY different from the curls i want – what i have is kind of a cross between early Felicity and Sarah Jessica Parker, the Square Peg Years – and what i want is the long, flowing loose curls that Carrie Underwood, Nicole Kidman and the Holy Grail of Celebrity hair, Kate Beckinsale rock on the Red Carpet – and because my hair is long and thick, i should be able to recreate at least some reasonable mere mortal recreation, right?

so after seeing the infomercial for the Conair Infiniti You Style Flat Iron, i thought for sure i could handle it – i did lots of research, read reviews, studied the video and then located it in an actual store – i just knew i could handle this – i’d checked out similar appliances and the Conair Infiniti got the best ratings – people went on and on about how great it was and how easy it was to use – so i bought one – they even had a purple one – it was like it was meant to be!  i had already straightened my hair with my Chi flat iron 2 days before, so all i had to do was follow the instructional video and i’d be on my way to flinging my bouncy curly hair like i was Beyonce at the Grammys!!

and then it began … even though i had studied the videos on line,  i watched the DVD that the Conair came with one more time for good measure – “hold the flat iron close to your roots with the cooling plates facing you, as you pull your hair through, turn the plates away from you 180 degrees and run hair through the end” – uh huh – how is it possible that the middle of my hair curled in the perfect spiral curl while the end was straight and flipping straight out?  ok, clearly user error – so i tried it again – ummmm … well maybe it’ll work better on the other side – once again i lined it up with the plates facing my head, turned them away to 180 degrees and let my hair glide through the plates – and once again i ended up with the perfect spiral curl in the middle with some bizarre flippy piece at the end

are you joking me?  am i really this inept?  i know that i’ll never have red-carpet hair without the assistance of a professional – but i thought i was at least capable of producing some type of soft bouncy curl – i guess i could have gone through the process of curling my whole head and then chop off the weird flippy ends – but that would leave me with horribly uneven ends and then it would get shorter and shorter every time i used it – and in a few months when my hair starts to fall out (thank you pregnancy hormones), i’d really be looking a hot ass mess – so what did i do?  i whipped out my Chi and straightened it the best i could with the standard bump curl at the end, cleaned the plates of the Infiniti with rubbing alcohol, packaged that baby up and headed back to Ulta to get my $34.99 + tax back

i guess it’s safe to mark “hairdresser” off the list of Careers I Might Have In My Next Life